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In a stunning coup, Tower Bell kingpins and their cronies have managed to resume publication of the much maligned Tower Bell, the "student newspaper of the Trademark Office." The Bell: bigger, better, bolder, and re-engineered for the 90's! Or was it reinvented? I can never keep it straight. Speaking of reinventing, or re-engineering, I'm not so sure about the idea for solving the Trademark Office cash crunch by installing the New Case Vending Machines, and selling new cases to attorneys at a buck a pop. Since this new policy went into effect, it's been impossible to find any change around this place. Everywhere I go I run across some attorney trying to shake me down for my Susan B.s, or looking for change for a twenty. The co-pending rule has become a nightmare since it now involves cash transactions. The wily and parsimonious Bob Anderson has found the idea such a moneymaker that the typing and R&A vending machines are being installed next week; I'm told that 50 cents a pop for typing and R&A cases, is viewed as a real bargain. Tom Howell has informed me that implementation of the new voice mail pay phones has been delayed again until A.T.&T. can work out that "phantom message" problem. So, if you've got no cash, and your production isn't so low that you need to visit the new Trademark Employee Loan Office, you might want to take the day off, stay home, and do some wallpapering. Right up front I've got to say that I hate wallpapering. It's one of those fussy, frustrating jobs that women are supposedly better at than men. This is, of course, just another vile slur against males who are constantly, and unfairly portrayed as ham-handed klutzes, limited by their lack of fine motor skills to hitting and bashing things and each other. Excuse me for a moment, I seem to have my elbow caught in my nose again...perhaps if I hit it with this large rock...there, better. Judging from the wallpaper in my home which my wife and I still haven't removed, although it was the first thing we vowed to do after moving in years ago, the first "wallpapers" were probably animal skins. This evolved into tapestries, and finally around 1700, printed papers were being sold in primitive Hechingers' in England and Boston. Today, wallpaper has reached the apex of its evolution with the advent of Mutant Teenage Ninja Turtle wallpaper, Alladin paper, and of course, Jurassic Park Dinopaper, which looks amazingly like real animal skins. The real purpose of any project is to act as an excuse to buy more tools. Here's what you need: A box of 100 good quality single edge razor blades. Buck Brothers and Stanley make good sharp blades. Stay away from names like "Lucky Star 100 blades for 39 cents." It's often hard to tell which is supposed to be the sharp edge. A cute little wooden razor blade holder is nice but not necessary. A seam roller. You need one, trust me. Finally, a smoothing brush for brushing the paper to the wall, and a regular paint roller or a wallpaper paste brush for applying paste should be all you need to buy. Scissors, pencils, a tape measure, sponges, a long straightedge, something to stand on to reach the top of a wall, necessary for some of us, are all things that you probably already have. You can use your bathtub to soak prepasted paper so don't waste your money on a water tray unless the tub is very inconvenient, or someone's in it. The easiest way to determine how much wallpaper you'll need is to jot down the measurements of the room and take them to the wallpaper dealer. For your own estimate, the answer will always be "more than you think." Measure the perimeter of your room (length of wall+length of wall+length of wall+length of wall=perimeter) and multiply by the height of the wall. Divide by 30 since most wallpaper rolls have 36 square feet. This will allow for damage and waste. Subtract a roll for every two standard doors or every 4 windows. Add a roll for weird areas in rooms or exceptionally long pattern repeats. Yes, it's that easy! Watch out for "European" sized rolls, they only contain 28 square feet instead of 36, probably because space is at such a premium in Europe. As with paint, wall preparation is critical for successful wallpapering. Don't wallpaper over old paper; you won't like the lumpy results, and the paper will either fall off, or be a nightmare to strip in the future, although apartment dwellers use this technique frequently. Most modern wallpapers are strippable. Just strip it off the wall and wash the wall down with warm water. If that doesn't work, try a chemical stripper. Follow the directions and the paper should strip off, along with the skin off your hands. Wash the walls down with tri-sodium phosphate (TSP), rinse, and let dry. If someone has pasted several layers of paper on the wall, you may have to rent (or buy-$40) a steamer. Steam a section of the paper, then scrape the paper with a wallboard knife or a putty knife. It's a slow. mind-numbingly tedious and messy job, not unlike our work here in the TMEG. Once the paper is off the wall, the wall must be prepared to accept the new paper. If the wall is new, it must be primed with a flat, oil-based primer. Patched areas must also be primed. The now clean wall should be sized, although some people skip this step. Sizing further seals the wall and provides a tacky surface so the paper sticks better. It also facilitates later easy removal of the paper because it acts as a barrier between the wall and the paper. You can buy specially prepared powdered or liquid sizing, or make your own out of (cheap) wallpaper paste. Follow directions on the bag. Use wallpaper paste even on pre-pasted paper. Don't believe anyone who tells you otherwise; they're lying. There's nothing worse than returning to the site of your beautiful and time consuming wallpaper job only to find the paper has rolled down forming little horizontal tubes along the bottom of the wall. Some prepasted papers aren't that bad, but I've never seen any prepasted paper put up without additional paste where the seams stayed together. Wallpaper paste is cheap, and easy to put on with your roller. Use it and avoid headaches. Plan ahead before you start putting up the paper. Use a plumb line to determine true vertical so the seams are straight. Figure on starting at the focal point of the room and moving out from that point in both directions. Before cutting any paper, get out your pencil and tape measure and mark the layout around the room. Try to avoid strips less than about six inches wide if you can, they're too hard to deal with. Only when you know exactly where everything is going to go are you ready to start hanging paper. Cut the paper four inches longer than needed so you will have two inches at the top and two inches at the bottom of the wall. Put the strip on the wall and smooth it out with the brush from the center out. Wipe it with the sponge to get off excess paste and to get out air bubbles. Don't trim yet, wait until you've got a few strips up first. Don't forget to allow for matching the patterns when cutting for length. You don't want to inadvertently attach Alladin's head to Princess Jasmine's body, it could be stressful for the young. Wow! I've just hit it big on the new case vending/slot machine! A nine class application-with all fees paid-for a buck! I should be able to fence this for at least six dollars, leaving five bucks of pure profit! McDonald's here I come! Wait a minute...Oh no! Someone's got an earlier filed co-pending! Well, no way am I giving this one up. They'll have to pry my dead fingers off this file before I give it up for a crummy dollar! You know, I think life around here was easier, if less exciting, before they re-engineered government, or did they reinvent it? Whatever. All I know is someone owes me a dollar.
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