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“Brian! Why is oil all over the driveway, my jack lying in the lawn, my oil filter wrench lying the sidewalk, and a milk jug full of oil with no top on it sitting on the porch?” “Oh, yeah, I changed the oil in my car. Hey Dad, how come you’re always gone lately, I mean you seem to spend all your weekends at the Office?” “Don’t change the subject! Well, I’'ve got to do all my real work on the weekends because I spend most of my week on special projects; The Trademark Office isn't going to reinvent itself.” “Wasn’'t I reading in Newsweek that that was 1995’s management fad? Kinda like TQM a few years before that? Why are you guys just getting to it now?” “We’'re the government; we'’re a little slow with these kind of things. Besides, I doubt very much that you read anything in Newsweek since the only thing you’ve read for the last two months have been Mustang parts catalogs. Anyway, I need your help putting in the new vinyl tile floor in the kitchen.” “Well, OK, but what’s with those phone calls? You’'ve made four calls in the last couple minutes, and then you just hang up before you say anything.” “Oh, the managing attorneys were all given beepers for some reason. There’'s a kind of contest among them to see who gets beeped more often more often during meetings. It’'s the managers' way of showing their bosses how important they are. Now all the senior attorneys have to call their boss during meetings to beef up their manager’'s beeps per hour rating. I think it’s part of our performance appraisal plan. So, are you ready to learn all about vinyl tile?” “Yeah Dad, do your worst.” “Then put down the parts catalog and listen up.” Vinyl peel-and-stick tile is great stuff. It’s extremely durable. It’s easy to install. And some of the better (read: more expensive) tile looks great. The first thing you’'ve got to do is buy the tile. Remember that the more variation and texture the tile has the better. Texture will disguise seams, scratches, irregularities in the base floor and dirt. Solid colors like black are harder to clean. Slick finishes will cause you to slip, fall, and die. The tiles are a foot square, so figuring out how much you need is pretty easy (length of the room times its width, in feet). But always buy more than you think you’ll need - some tiles will be chipped or scratched, and you’ll likely screw up a few pieces. Be ready for it. Prepare the surface to which you’re going to stick the tile. Remove the moldings along the walls. Clean the floor thoroughly and use a stripping product if there are layers of wax on the old floor. Fill any chipped areas or divots in the existing floor with products designed for this; although most any filler, even plaster, works just fine. What you want is a flat, clean, smooth base. It might be best to remove the old tile or linoleum, but often several layers of flooring have been installed one on top of the other so it may not be such a good idea. If your existing floor is made of wood strips, you’ll have to put down a sub-floor of glued and screwed quarter inch plywood over the strips. Otherwise, the tiles will all develop cracks where the wood strips meet each other. Buy a chalk line. Remember: any home project is merely an excuse to buy more tools. Snap chalk lines from the centers of the opposite walls so that you create four equal quadrants on the floor. Starting at the center point where the two lines meet, lay out a line of tiles to the wall (don’t stick them yet). Now, go back to the center and continue the line to the opposite wall. Notice that unless you are amazingly lucky, there will be a difference in the size of the leftover piece at each wall. Move the chalkline (you can't actually move a chalkline - I mean snap a new one) one way or the other so that the piece you’ll have to cut near the wall is the same at each end. Do the same with the tiles in the other direction. Begin sticking. Work in quadrants starting in the center. This is necessary because no matter how good you are, the tiles will start to get further and further off as you move away from your first tile. The gaps between the tiles will start getting larger and larger. If you started at one wall, the gaps would be twice as great by the time you got to the opposite wall than if you start in the center. Besides, you want the center to look the best because that’'s what everyone sees first when they look at the floor in a room; who looks at the edges anyway? After you’'ve got all the full size tiles in place, start cutting and installing the tiles along the walls. Here’s how: Place a tile to be cut upside down directly above the last tile before the wall. Place a second tile on top of this but up against the wall. Draw a line on the first tile by running the pencil along the edge of the second tile. Cut on the line with a sharp utility knife. The piece will fit perfectly. Carefully walk around on the tile (no side to side motion) and roll out any air bubbles with a rolling pin or one of those 100 pound rollers. Reinstall the moldings. It’s Guinness time! “Or Pepsi time for you. You got all that?” “Uh, yeah, sure. So what’s the difference between these reproduction hub caps and the originals? The originals cost five times as much. The repros are just as good, right?” “What you’re saying is that you haven’t heard a word I’ve said. What are you, one of my trainees? I’'ve got to get to work.. You and your mother are going to have to put in the tile. Just read the directions in one of the packages. It’s easy. Oh, and hand me the phone, I’ve got to make a quick call.”
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