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I’m dripping wet and making my way up the stairway. I glance at my watch: 1:03. My lunch break was up three minutes ago. “Hey, Sussman!” I hear as I reach for the doorknob. Busted! But when I turn around I realize it’s not a member of the Deputy Assistant Commissioner’s new Elite Lunchbreak Enforcement Corps. “Hey Sussman. You were supposed to relieve Kathy Dixon down in the lunchroom pizza ovens at 1:00. What are you doing up here dripping all over the stairway?” “Come on, cut me some slack. If I take a shower, it’s almost impossible to get to and from the health club during lunch, and you know how important it is to everyone in this building that I get a shower.” “But you’re not a member of the health club, and besides, nobody wants to hear your excuses anyway. It’s your fault that we have to work in the new pizza ovens. No one in this place has any sympathy for you.” “Well, how was I to know that they were going to take my suggestion for a new Trademark Office slogan seriously? I mean ‘A First Action in Three Months or Your Pizza’s Free’? Have these people no sense of humor?” As I say this I notice that the puddle under me has begun to make its way down the stairway. “I assume that was a rhetorical question, but that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about. It’s my toilet. It’s running constantly. What can I do?” Well, move I suppose. But assuming that you actually want to try to fix it, it should be pretty easy, even for you. There are only two reasons why a toilet might run excessively. Either the flapper, or the shut off valve needs to be replaced. Fortunately, replacing either one is simple and inexpensive. If the toilet runs for a few seconds, then stops for a while, then runs again, then stops, then runs again, etc., the problem is your flapper. This is amazingly easy and inexpensive to fix, yet so many people just put up with this annoyance because it’s not an immediate emergency, and they think something terrible and costly is broken. These people are wrong. The flapper is a large black, brown, or red rubber seal at the bottom of the inside of the toilet tank. It is connected by a chain or strip of plastic to the handle on the toilet which flushes the toilet. Due to years of being submerged in water, it becomes distorted allowing water to leak out of the tank. When the water level drops a couple of inches in the tank, the valve opens and allows more water into the tank. This is the “running” sound you hear. To replace the flapper, first turn off the water where it enters at the wall by turning the oval shaped handle clockwise as far as it will go. Then flush the toilet. There are two ways the flapper may be attached to your toilet. Most likely, the flapper will be attached to two “ears” which are themselves attached to the bottom of the overflow tube. Just pull the old flapper off each ear, then disconnect the chain at the handle and put the new flapper on the same way; no tools needed! A new flapper should cost between $1.50 and $3.00 and it usually comes with a new chain. Some older installations require that a collar be slipped over the overflow tube, which necessitates sliding (cutting?) the old collar off first. Either way it’s a piece of cake. If the toilet just runs and runs with no break, you need a new shut off valve. This is the tall brass or plastic thing on the inside left of your tank which is connected to the water supply. You can try bending the float rod downward (if you have an old style float valve) and this may gain you a few months, but it’s just a matter of time before you must replace the valve. A brass valve and float will cost over $30.00 and will last between 4 and 8 years. A plastic valve (with new flapper which you don’t need right now, but will someday) will cost between $5.00 and $7.00 and will last about 3 years. Any questions? Again, shut off the water at the supply, and flush. There will be about an inch of water at the bottom, try to bail as much out as you can. Place a bunch of towels under the tank where the water supply attaches. Where the water supply enters the tank there are two nuts. One is around an inch in diameter and the other is right up against the tank and is about an inch and a half in diameter. Using an adjustable wrench, unscrew the smaller of the two and disconnect the water supply from the tank. The purpose for the towels should now be clear. Now unscrew the larger nut which will allow you to remove the old valve from the tank. The purpose for the towels is now extremely clear. Put in the new valve and secure it with the new large nut. Be sure to use any of the new washers which are provided in the kit. Next attach the water supply to the new valve using the new rubber washer supplied in the kit. Be sure to attach the little rubber overflow hose to the overflow tube. You’ll understand perfectly if when you flush, a jet of water shoots to the ceiling. Crank everything down nice and tight and then turn on the water supply. Check carefully for leaks at the toilet tank. If you see a drip or two, turn off the water, take everything apart and put it back together being more careful this time. Down below in the stairwell I heard the sound of jackboots. The dripping water must have alerted them. “The Elite Corps!” I shout. “Fly! Fly!” At that moment Gandalf appeared, and lifting his staff he cried aloud and smote the stairwell before him. The staff broke asunder and fell from his hands. A blinding sheet of white flame sprang up. The stairwell cracked. Right at the Corps’ feet it broke and the stone upon which it stood crashed into the gulf. With a terrible cry the Elite Corps fell forward and vanished. But even as it fell it swung its whip and curled it about the wizard’s knees, dragging him into the abyss. “Fly you fools!” he cried, and was gone. We did; the good guys always win. Next month: Home petroleum cracking. Until then.
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