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With media attention focused on the "bathroom intruder" also known by the more judgmental "bathroom pervert," talk in and around South Tower has shifted from Bush, Clinton, and Perot (but not Quayle) and quite naturally turned to plumbing. "Ron" I am asked, "How do I get rid of that annoying drip in the bathroom?" "Pack up his stuff and throw the dweeb out!" I growl, subtlety and compassion having been driven from me years ago due to weeks of intensive training in the Trademark Academy. "If it's a Miss Lonelyhearts column yer lookin' for, have Alan Datri write it. Otherwise, today's topic is: working with fluid leaks under high pressure." Some might say that this is analogous to our work here at the PTO, but they would be wrong. Those of you who aren't responsible for your own repairs around the house or apartment enjoy the luxury of being able to simply place a phone call to the Super, or maintenance personnel, and while you're here enjoying the splendor of South Tower, a couple of drug-addled youth will enter your home, make a remarkable mess, steal anything not actually bolted to the studs (see last month's column), and likely not fix whatever the problem was. Those of you responsible for your own repairs may skip this step. First, we'll discuss that annoying drip. There are two types of water faucets commonly found in residential homes: those with washers, these being the most common, and the washerless faucets. Washerless faucets differ from those faucets with washers in that washerless faucets contain washers but call them something else. With either type, the first thing you have to do is shut off the supply of water to the faucet. Under the sink should be two oval shaped handles, one supplying the hot water, the other cold. Turn the appropriate handle clockwise to shut off the water. If you have a single handle faucet, you'll have to shut off both the hot and the cold water supply. If you don't seem to have these oval valves, you'll have to shut off the water at the main supply valve. Inside the house, near where the water pipe enters, should be what looks like a faucet handle for a garden hose; turn it off. Now to the leaking faucet. Pry off the plate with the "H" or the "C" on it, remove the screw underneath, and take off the handle. If you have a single handle faucet, you'll need an allen wrench (like the wrench they give you at IKEA) to remove the handle. With the handle off, using a wrench (pliers will scratch) you can remove the faucet housing. It will have a geometric shape clearly designed to accommodate a wrench. There will likely be a nut under the housing; remove it. Water will dribble out. If it sprays you in the face, you haven't shut off the water supply, see above. You should now find a rubber or neoprene washer (IC 17, US 35. Class 17 is defined by WIPO as "Partially Prepared Goods Made of Rubber, Gutta Percha, or Silly Putty, the Purpose for Which No Normal Person Could Possibly Understand). In the case of a washerless faucet, you should find an "O" shaped, or cylindrical...well, washer. Pry out the washer and march down to the hardware store and buy a new one, making sure that it's identical to the old one. Watch out for those washer assortment packages; each washer in the assortment is guaranteed to fit no known faucet. Put everything back the way it came out, and be sure everything's tight. Turn on the water, and you should be drip-free. If not, call a plumber. Clogged drains are relatively easy to clear. First, pour a drain cleaning preparation down the drain, then wait a half hour or so, perhaps using the time to read a couple articles in this month's Brutarian, assuming Postal Authorities haven't yet shut it down. When this fails, which it will, remove the "U" shaped drain trap under the sink with a wrench. A pipe wrench works best, but any wrench large enough to fit the pipe nuts will work. Be sure you've got an appropriate container positioned under the drain because out of the pipe will come a greasy, disgusting blob roughly the size of Tom Howell. The stuff that comes out of drain pipes can be the most abominable, foul, and vile material you can imagine, not unlike that meatball sub down in the vending machine, so be sure that you haven't eaten within the last six hours or you'll need a slightly larger container. Clean everything somewhere other than the sink you're working on, or your feet will get wet, and put it all back together using Teflon tape on the pipe threads so as to avoid leaks. That should do it. I gotta go. The plumber's here.
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