|
It seems as though I'm driving through a fog which begins to clear as I pull onto Crystal Drive. Something is wrong. Hundereds of people are marching zombie-like into the parking garage reminiscent of the scene in “The Time Machine” where Rod Taylor tries to save Weena...ah, Weena...my first love...but I digress. Crystal Drive is much darker than it should be. The darkness appears to be caused by the South Tower building; for some reason it's at least 50 stories tall, and blocking the sun itself! What's going on here? I've parked in the lot across Jeff Davis. The sign said something about $12 an hour; probably another joke I don’t understand, but as the elevator doors open on my floor I recognize nothing. What's happened to the 8th floor? It's totally changed. My office is gone! As are the huge heaps of files I had. Where could they...hmmm, this may not be such a bad thing after all. Here comes someone, but I’ve never seen this woman before. "Excuse me, but I can't seem to find my office." "Office?" The old crone begins to chuckle. "What the hell you talkin' about? We ain't had private offices here since Clinton's last term, or was it back in ought one? Anyway, who are you and what are you doing here?" "I'm a trademark examiner." I say with pride. When her laughter subsides, her demeanor begins to darken. "Examiner. Now there's a word I ain't heard for quite a while, although it crops up now and then in the old office lore. Some old-timers refer to the application viewer as 'the examiner,' but most of us just call it 'Szoke.' No one knows why." "What's the application viewer?" I ask, knowing that I shouldn't. "Why, that’s our optical scanner which is connected to a computer. It scans the files as they come in and finds any problems. Then it sends the information to one of the 7,000 or so law students who work here for free. Ever since the panic of '08 when the entire Federal workforce had to reapply for their jobs, and only half were rehired, law students are happy to work, even without pay." "Hey Sussman, wake up, you're shaking! Geez! Do you ever actually do any work?" As I force the fog from my mind I find myself saying "I just saw a vision of the Trademark Office of the 21st century. I'm frightened" "Well, you probably should be. But what I need to know is how can I start up my five year old Sears lawn mower? I can't get it going and antelope have been sighted in the tall grass. I’m afraid the cheetahs will soon be moving in. “The real problem is that you likely did no winter preparation before you put the mower in the shed, right?” “Shed? Oh yeah, right. Well, let’s just say I didn’t do any preventive maintenance.” OK. So you’ve likely got gum deposits from old gasoline all though the carburetor. And the spark plug is probably fouled with oil so that it won’t ignite the mixture. The first thing you should do is change the oil. Scratch that. The first thing you should do is check the gasoline and add new gas right to the top. Now change the oil. If you don’t want to change it, you should at least check it and top it up with new oil. It will probably be low; 4 stroke lawn mower engines burn oil even when new. Two stroke engines have the oil mixed with the gasoline so this step is unnecessary. Next you take out the spark plug and clean it or buy a new one and gap it. Before you put it back in, gently pull the starter slowly several times to get the oil moving though out the engine. Again, 2 stroke owners may ignore this step. Now you need a can of spray ether. It’s available at any auto parts store under names like “”Instant Engine Starter,” or “Fast Auto and Truck Start.” Spray some right into the carburetor. If the carburetor is inaccessible like so many lawn mower carbs are, spray it into the spark plug hole just before you put the plug back in. Now PULL that starter cord! You should hear the engine try to start once or twice, and then cover your ears! Time to annoy the neighbors. If it doesn’t start, try some more ether. If it still doesn’t start, and it never even sounded like it wanted to start, and you’ve got an old (at least 5 years old) 4 stroke engine, it might be bad or misadjusted points. To get at the points, you have to remove the pull-starter mechanism and the flywheel underneath it. Kind of a pain, but not impossible. First remove the spark plug to make the engine easier to turn, and to keep the engine from starting while you’re working on it. The pull-start mechanism is usually just held on with a few screws. Under that you’ll see the flywheel, a big circular cast metal thing with a bunch of fins on it, held in place with a big nut in the center. The trick to removing the bolt is to keep the flywheel from turning by holding it in place with a long screwdriver or something while turning the big bolt. Once the bolt is off, the flywheel can usually be pulled off the tapered shaft, which means you have to beat it off with a piece of wood. Don’t break a fin! Oh, there’s a key, a little rectangular piece of metal, which slides in a groove between the flywheel and the shaft to keep the flywheel in place. Don’t lose it. Under the flywheel will be the points cover usually held in place with one or two screws. Under this: the points! Whew! The best thing to do is just replace the points and the condenser. Before you can put it all back together, you have to adjust the points. Put the new points and condenser in but don’t completely tighten the screws just yet. Put the nut on the tapered shaft and with your wrench, slowly turn the engine until the points are their farthest distance apart. Check the distance with a feeler gauge and then loosen the adjusting screw and move the points until they are the proper distance apart. Tighten the screws. Put everything back together. Spray in some more ether, and fire up! Still didn’t start? If it’s a Murry, trash it, it’s not worth fixing. If it’s something expensive like a Lawn Boy or a Honda, take it to a professional, but be prepared to spend well over $100.00. As I begin my afternoon "wind down time" at about 4:00 I seem to be entering again the bizarre Trademark Office of the 21st century. By an extreme effort of will, I am able to force the vision to the much more familiar "supermodels in the TMEO." But not before I catch a glimpse of Weena buying a soda in the Trademark Office lunchroom of the future. “Don’t do it Weena! The guy outside on Crystal Drive sells it cheaper!” Ah....Weena....”
|