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Since last issue, when the Bell hit 28 pages, I haven't been able to find a Tower Bell kingpin around South Tower to save my life. They're rumored to be visiting New York publishing houses, engaged in high-level negotiations over publishing rights. Whispered in the hallways of the South Tower is talk of deals in "the high two figures," but also of snags in the negotiations over the Buch's Corner/George Will collaboration. What with the devastating lawsuit against Mark Faux Savant by Marilyn Vos Savant (Parade magazine mega-star), and the elimination of the Bell's most popular column, the likely result will be a Buch's Corner/Mark Faux Savant "Point /Counterpoint" kind of thing. This column will of course be taken over by the now unemployed and homeless Bob Vila, a pathetic victim of the Sears-Roebuck reversal of fortune. I understand that in order to quickly raise much needed cash, "Up Close and Personal" as well as "M.E.L.T.Z.E.R. at the Movies" were up on the auction block, UC & P being gobbled up by "Spy," M.E.T.Z.E.R snatched up by, of course, "The Wall Street Journal." This freed up enough cash for Tower Bell bosses and their cronies to enjoy a Friday lunch at the Kabob House. But enough gossip. This month's topic is wallboard. Yeah, I know, but have you got a better idea? Since prehistory, mankind's interior decorator gene has agonized over what to do with the interior walls of the family shelter. For the same period of time the answer has often been plaster. Plaster used to be a mixture of calcium oxide (lime), sand and animal hair. Today it's all calcium sulfate (gypsum). Freud called plaster the child's first gift, clean, white, pristine, primordial slop bleached of unpleasant associations. David Owen says "sturdy enough to mock the eons, yet its supple plasticity endears it to the artist, who, with a delight presumably not unlike that of the Shaper of the original clay," blah, blah, blah. Yes, plaster is fun stuff, but messy as hell, and it takes a lot of experience to smear it on a wall such that visitors will not be forced to stifle laughter. Happily for home repair buffs, only a very small number of homes and buildings still have plaster over lath walls. The vast majority of interior walls are made of wallboard. "Wallboard," "drywall," and "gypsum board" are generic terms for this product. "Sheetrock®," owned by the U.S. Gypsum Co., is one of those great trademarks like "Kleenex®," "Windbreaker®," or "Kitty Litter®" that's probably only a trademark in the mind of the trademark owner. Wallboard is a thin sheet of dried plaster, usually 1/2 inch thick, sandwiched between two sheets of paper. It's typically sold in 4 by 8 foot sheets, although other sizes are available. If you're not reading this outdoors, you can probably see some now. The stuff is everywhere. Many people hate wallboard. These are the people who are always complaining about how much worse things are today. They'll usually cite music as an example saying music died in the 70's, 60's, 50's, 40's or whatever, and spend their time rotting their brains listening to "classic (sic) rock" stations, or, worse, "oldies" stations, pathetically reliving their probably boring youth...but, I digress. The problem with wallboard is that it's easy to install, and therefore often installed by people who don't know what they're doing. It's not the material, but the care and attitude with which it's installed. Wallboard is great stuff. It can easily cover hideous glued-on paneling, or ancient medusa-like wallpaper that's as tough to get off as it is to look at. A standard sheet of wallboard weighs 58 pounds, and all 58 pounds bear down on a narrow band across your fingers as you carry it. So get a buddy to help. To cut it, all you have to do is score the facing paper with a utility knife and break it across the line. If you have children, they'll be playing kung-fu ninja with the scraps, making a remarkable mess, so get them out of the room so you can play a little kung-fu ninja with the better scraps yourself. Wallboard can be installed with nails or screws. Screws are better. Nail heads will ultimately pop through the wall making unsightly dimples. Screws won't. Screws hold better, and they install more quickly because to install them you use a drywall screwgun. The screws themselves are self taping and quite sharp, and they have trumpet shaped heads so they go right into the drywall slightly below the surface, to the proper depth which is set on the screwgun. To cover the seams and screw heads, you need joint compound, paper tape, and taping knives: spatula-like tools used to smooth the joint compound. Covering the screw heads is easy, just smear some joint compound over the screw and wipe it down with the taping knife. Joint compound shrinks when it dries so you'll probably need to give it a second coat the next day. The problem is the joints. First put down a layer of joint compound, then the tape, then a thin layer of joint compound. Make it smooth with the knife. The point is to avoid as much sanding as possible when it dries. For inside corners, do one side of the corner one day, let it dry, then do the other side of the corner the next. For outside corners you'll need a wallboard corner bead, a perforated metal strip bent into a "v" shape which covers the corner and is then covered with joint compound. Second and third coats are applied with wider and wider taping knives until the wall surface is perfectly smooth. The occasional imperfection can be sanded, or better, sponged off. Sponging is a little slower, but it avoids the clouds of dust sanding generates. Just put your fist through the wall over your inability to meet your production requirements? No problemo! Just cut a square hole out to the studs so you'll have something to screw to, then cut a piece of wallboard exactly the same size, screw it in, and tape and joint the seams. Then get back to work and get some cases out. I'm walking down the halls of South Tower when I spy this senior attorney who buttonholes me before I can duck into the men's room. "Hey, Sussman," he says. "What are you gonna do now that you've lost that cushy PTONet training scam? Looks like you'll actually have to do some production for a change; do you even remember your T-Search number?" he cackles. "Quiet drudge!" I bark. "I've got other irons in the fire. Once my wallboard consulting company takes off, I'll be able to say hasta la vista to this dump as well as trademark fodder like you." "Oh, that must be why you're wearing that toolbelt with the taping knives in it," he says with a smirk on his face, "I just thought you were taking some kind of fashion risk." I left him, doubled up by his own laughter, without mentioning my true plan for getting outa here. What with that loser Vila now part of the Tower Bell empire, Sears is going to need a shill for those Craftsman products. With a glue-on beard, and a few flannel shirts...well, why not?
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