Gotta Get Outa Bed
& Get a Pick & a Shovel

Gardening here in the Old Dominion can be a bit of a challenge. Before you can actually garden however, you must make a garden, and that's the hard part because that's the part that involves the real work. To make a garden, you must first scrape off a section of lawn. In Virginia this should not prove to be a problem as laboratory soil analysis of the area has proven that there is no actual soil in Northern Virginia; only large rocks and tree roots in about equal proportions. Grass in Virginia has evolved to the point where it no longer needs soil to survive, only quarterly spraying by the Chem-Lawn Corporation. It may be easily swept off of an area with a broom. Once you've removed the grass of a future garden site, you must dig the "soil" to a depth of 24 inches to loosen it. I suggest a plastic explosive. Then you should mix the soil with compost (rotted leaves, manure, or your older trademark files) and put an additional inch or two of this compost on the top. You can also mix sand into the soil if it is heavy with clay, or mix lime into it (or wood ashes or any alkaline material) if your soil is too acidic. Your bed should be no more than 3 or 4 feet wide so you can weed and pick your vegetables and flowers without stepping on the bed. You don't want to compact the soil. If you have to step on your bed for some reason, place a board under where your going to step to distribute your weight over a larger area.

If, after you've dug out all the rocks and tree roots, you find you have only a large hole, you'll have to import dirt for your garden. Your options include buying bags of "topsoil" from K-Mart, Hechinger's, etc., or having someone drop off a large mound on your driveway or front lawn. Bags of topsoil are generally sold in 40 pound bags for about $2.25 a bag, and you'll need about 100,000 of them to fill the average garden bed. When you open the bag you'll notice that the soil looks rich, black, and moist but after a few hours or so, the soil will dry out to a fine, grey dust which will blow away with the slightest zephyr and, like the homing pigeon, find its way back to the factory to be recaptured, repackaged, and ultimately sold back to you. The big mound 'o dirt option is attractive, but very shovel/wheelbarrow intensive. I suggest: family project. If you go with the M 'o D be careful as to the quality of dirt you buy. Don't just ask for "topsoil." This is code for "give him anything, he doesn't have a clue." You must ask for "garden quality" topsoil which will cost a bit more but will be dirt you can be proud of. A cubic yard of soil (or a cubic yard of anything for that matter) is 27 cubic feet, and dirt companies usually won't deliver less than three to five cubic yards which is a lot of dirt, but you'll be surprised how fast it goes.

Once you've got your garden bed filled with fluffy, compost-packed soil so that it's mounded 12-18 inches higher than the surrounding soil, and you've been discharged from the hospital after recovering from complications which arose from moving all that dirt, you're ready to plant. Around here the general rule is that plants which can tolerate a slight frost or two can go in around the end of March. These would include peas, potatoes, lettuce, radishes, broccoli, cabbage, and beets. In the first week of May you can put in those veggies and flowers that can't tolerate cold such as tomatoes, beans, squash, melons, corn, and most flowers. You may notice as you plug the plants and seed into the ground, that you have attracted a growing audience of happy woodland creatures. If you look closer, you may notice that they are all putting on little woodland bibs, and have in their paws little woodland eating utensils. You see, as far as they and all their insect friends are concerned, you are merely the manager of the local Safeway. There are many things you can do about this depending on who your customers turn out to be. For animal infestations, get a dog or cat. I've never had a problem since I've owned dogs. Some people say human hair clippings will keep animals away, but having little to spare, I don't know about that.

Insects can be more difficult. Usually, you have to know something about their life cycles to control them. For example, if you plant spinach too early in the year, whiteflies will lay their eggs on the underside of the spinach leaves and their larvae, called leaf miners, will get inside the leaves and ruin them. The answer is to plant spinach at the time the white flies are flying around, or just before, so they don't have any spinach to lay their eggs under. A mixture of soap (not detergent) and water will kill many small insects; the fat in the soap coats their bodies and they can't breathe. I don't know much about insects so I just plant more vegetables than I need. The bugs will take their share, and I end up with about what I wanted. If you want to know about specific insects, or you just like to talk bugs, our resident entomologist, Mike Hamilton, L.O. 11, will be happy to help you.

The easiest way to control weeds is not to let them grow in the first place. When the plants are young, use a mulch to control weeds. Shredded hardwood, cut grass, newspaper, plastic sheeting made for this purpose, old "73" series trademark files (oops, sorry, a recycled joke) all work reasonably well. As the plants get bigger, they'll act as a kind of living mulch if you've planted the plants a little closer together than is generally recommended. Yes, your yield will be very slightly smaller, but because the plants are closer together, you'll have planted more of them which will make up for the smaller yield. I think you come out ahead. At the very least you'll break even, and you won't have to weed as much. Also, planting closer together allows less water to evaporate from the soil so you'll conserve water too, and that can't be bad.

Finally, you must add nutrients to the soil during the season, and especially in the fall. Garden scraps, leaves, and grass clippings can all be composted and added to your beds. I comb the want ads in the smaller local papers for ads featuring "free manure; you haul." A find like this invigorates me, and I'll excitedly announce to the family on a particular Saturday morning that we're going on a manure excursion! I notice that they seem less than enthusiastic about my announcement. In fact, they react as if I've just suggested that we go out and shovel crap! Which reminds me, I've got find that Kastle key card if I'm going to work tomorrow.