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I still can't get over the strangeness of what I am about to write, but it has come to my attention that there are Tower Bell readers (that alone is pretty strange) who use the home repair information conveyed in this column to actually perform, get this, home repairs! Imagine my shock and disbelief! But apparently it's true. I assume that this insane behavior is limited to only a small group, perhaps a cult, who find it amusing to engage in this kind of wacky and bizarre behavior. However, in deference to this group, I will from this column on, ensure that the information I pass on is well researched and in line with current construction practices. Of course, I can only make this guarantee as long as there's something written on the subject within arm's reach and I don't have to actually get out of my chair. One can take this research thing a bit far. Up to this point, I have employed a time honored research method known in the scientific community as "making it all up." This is the method we in the Trademark Office have seen honed to perfection by the ALJs at Trademark Trial and Appeal Board. My hat's off to you folks! As for the rest of us, let's talk about ceramic tile. Yep. You heard right. Hard, sterile, brittle ceramic tile, which conjures up images of hospitals, dog pounds, mental wards, yet for bathrooms, & kitchens, everybody wants this stuff. Why? Because although a bit pricy, it's nice to look at, durable & low maintenance, just the kind of thing most people look for in a pet, mate, and a wall or countertop covering. Installation of ceramic tile is quite labor intensive, so if you can supply the labor part, you can save most of the cost of new tile job. What most people want to do is get rid of their 1960's avocado, or harvest gold, or worse, their 1950's pink and black bathroom. Actually, for the latter group it's a necessity. Getting the tile off the wall is really pretty easy. It involves a lot of ape-like hitting and prying with a hammer and a crowbar (or better, use a cheap Taiwanese copy of Stanley "Wonderbar") Even a screwdriver will work in a pinch. Fun stuff! But it's all downhill from there. If the area is often wet, like the tub surround or shower area, its likely you'll need to replace the wall board underneath the tile. The existing wall board should be replaced with a concrete or fiberglass wallboard. Both of these products are a bit more expensive than so-called waterproof tile backer, or "blueboard," but unlike the blueboard these products actually are waterproof. If you've ever had to pull off soggy, rotted, mildewed blueboard, you'll agree that it's well worth the few extra bucks to get the better underlayment. The fiberglass is much lighter, but it costs a little more. Both products can be cut to size just like drywall. The concrete must be nailed up, the fiberglass can be glued or nailed to the wall. Ceramic tile is then simply glued to the wall. If you're putting up the tile over wallboard, you can use a regular ceramic tile glue like H. B. Fuller's Tec. The glue is smeared on the wall with a notched trowel. The notches in the trowel are designed to ensure that the proper amount of glue is on the wall so you don't have to think about it. If you're putting up the tile over wood, say over that hideous but non-removable glued-on panelling put up in the 70's, you may have to use an epoxy adhesive which is much more expensive. But wait! You can't just smear on the glue and throw tiles on the wall, as logical as that sounds. You must lay out the tiles to see where the last one in the line ends up. Otherwise you will likely find that your last tile must be cut to 3/64 of an inch, and you'll start thinking that maybe that ugly panelling really wasn't so ugly after all. It's likely you'll have to cut the first and the last tile in a line to ensure that both pieces are of reasonable size for cutting. Check top and bottom too, and use a level as you go to make sure that the rows are straight. There are three types of tile cutters you'll likely encounter at Hechinger's Builder's Lowe's Depot. The first type, under $10, looks kind of like a pair of pliers with a glass cutting wheel at one end. These work fine, except for its annoying habit of occasionally shattering the tile you're trying to cut. The second type sits on a table and you slide the cutter over the tile and pull a lever to snap the tile. This is great except that it costs about $25 more than the first type. $25 will make up for a lot of shattered tile. Both of these cutters will only break tiles across their full length in a straight line. But what about those "L" shaped cuts you need around switch plates and wall outlets? And the circular cuts you need around shower knobs? For these you have two choices. The best choice is to take all the measurements and bring them, together with the tiles, to the tile store. They will then make these difficult cuts for you for free. Barring that, you can buy what amounts to a piece of wire coated with diamond dust which fits on your hacksaw. Put the tile in a vise, and have at it. This results in a remarkably ugly cut, but since the cut edge will generally be covered by something like a switch plate, or shower knob cover, it really doesn't matter. We're on the home stretch now (I'm talking about writing this column, not your boring tile job). Time for the grout. Don't make Mike Hamilton's sad mistake and buy pre-mixed grout, unless you like to watch the grout wash out of the cracks between the tile and swirl down the drain. Just buy powdered grout and a few bottles of a grout additive. This stuff makes the grout more waterproof, and some of them contains a fungicide which hinders the growth of those black mold colonies which grow on the bathroom walls, unless you find they go with your decor. You can smear the grout into the cracks with a rubber grout tool, or you can just use a sponge. Smear the grout into the cracks at 45 degree angles to the tile, and then with a damp rag wash the tile four or five hundred times until the grout film is off the tiles. When thoroughly dry, paint a silicon grout sealer on the grout lines with a small artist's paintbrush, or a Q-Tip. You'll probably still get mold colonies, but a little bleach mixed with water will take them right off. I want to thank everyone for the many "Hammer & Nail" topic suggestions I've received as well the interesting suggestions as to alternative uses for the column; I don't think it will fit. Keep 'em coming. Ira Goodsaid has suggested that the next column deal with replacement windows. Next month: "Replacement windows - part one: home glass firing." Until then.
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