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What is it about the lead time on this rag? You try to write something timely, something kinda now, kinda wow, and by the time Tower Bell kingpins get off their pampered butts and finally get the Bell to the pee-pul, what you've written is reduced to an anachronism! And why? Sloth! Well I, for one, wish to register a complaint! As soon as the election is over and the Dukakis administration is swept into power, Tower Bell bosses and their cronies might actually have to work for a living! And not a moment too soon! I feel better now. Jerry Rogers asked that this month's column be devoted to caulking. But I got to thinking, "Jerry, what's the problem? You squeeze the handle of the caulking gun, caulk comes out, you fill up the gaps, it's Miller time!" But as I began to tap into the vast information resources of the Trademark Office (I found a four month old Washington Post in the 7th floor bullpen which contained an article on caulking), it became apparent that this subject was even more boring than I could have possibly imagined. But this column was due a couple days ago, so we'll plow onward. Caulking is generally understood to be the most cost-effective weatherproofing treatment a homeowner, or tenant can perform. A very low investment will reap a rather large benefit in lower heating or air conditioning fuel costs. The initial investment includes: 1. a caulking gun and 2. caulk. For occasional use, a cheap two or three dollar caulking gun is just fine, and will last a lifetime, or until you step on it after laying it in the grass for "just a minute." Tool-Time maniacs will have to have pneumatic power caulk guns which go for about $100. Caulking compound comes in tubes with a two inch nozzle tip. You have to cut the tip to the desired diameter and angle, stick a nail or piece of wire down the nozzle to break the seal, put the tube in the gun and pull trigger a few times to get the caulk flowing. The trigger operates a simple rachet which puts pressure on the end of the tube. You squeeze the trigger while laying down your bead of caulk, then you stop and admire your work while caulk drips out the end of the nozzle down on to your shoes. To avoid this last part, push the racket release lever on the back of the gun every time you've finished laying down a bead. This will release the pressure on the end of the tube and no caulk will come out. Or you could just wear an old pair of shoes. The most common type of household caulk is acrylic latex caulk containing silicone. This stuff comes in a wide assortment of colors, including clear, and costs about two dollars a tube for a name brand, like "Dap," to about a buck and a quarter for a Hechinger's, Lowe's or Builder's Square house brand. I can't tell the difference. Its makers claim it will last for over 25 years, but who knows? It's only been around for a decade or so. It's easy to apply, dries ready for paint in two hours, and it cleans up with water. So why buy anything else? I have no idea, but siding companies recommend butyl rubber based caulk for caulking the gaps and corners in aluminum siding and gutters. This stuff costs about five dollars a tube, is hell to work with, and won't clean up with anything but gasoline or mineral spirits. My tube of acrylic latex caulk with silicone says it's "ideal" for metal and siding. So why do siding companies recommend this expensive hard to work with rubber stuff? Other than the fact that it costs twice as much and they sell it, I can't imagine. For filling gaps in concrete I would have assumed that the best thing to use was more concrete, but the guy who cleaned out my chimney said that a silicone latex concrete filler was just as good and easier to use. But he was one of those guys who wears a top hat and tails while cleaning a chimney, I suppose so he will look something like Dick Van Dyke in "Mary Poppins." Would you take advice from a guy like this? Use your best judgement. For interior caulking in kitchens and bathrooms, the thing to use is a siliconized latex tub and tile sealant. This stuff looks suspiciously like acrylic latex caulk with silicone but costs twice as much. The manufacturers claim it's "stickier" so it will adhere better to slick ceramic tiles, and it contains more silicone so it's more waterproof. It also contains a fungicide so your bathtub and wall tiles don't become festooned with that black mold that grows between the tiles (the mold will probably grow anyway but water mixed with a little bleach will take it right off). It's usually pretty obvious where to apply caulk: wherever the old caulk is falling off is a safe bet. But a Canadian study showed that when caulking for thermal insulation, it's more effective to caulk on the inside of a wall rather than the outside. But let's not forget, these are Canadians, who would probably use any excuse to avoid going outside; if the caulk gun doesn't freeze up, there's the possibility of getting cross-checked by a Toronto Maple Leaf. On the other hand, maybe the country that can win the World Series knows what it's talking about, 'eh? No matter where you're caulking be sure the surface is clean or the caulk won't stick and will fall off. This is especially important when caulking in the bathroom on ceramic tile or around the bathtub. These areas should be cleaned with household alcohol or, if you've got "extra" money you want to throw away, you could buy an expensive cleaner designed for this purpose composed almost entirely of household alcohol. Sadly, it appears that I was right. This has been a remarkably boring subject. Too bad I couldn't have come up with something interesting; a real scoop like the recipe for Dave Bucher's Baked Bean Dish. Why, in an article on caulking, do my thoughts turn to Dave's bean dish? What could this mean? By the way, D.B. Beans, first unveiled at the Autumn Trademark Picnic, is now the "Official Food of the TMEG," the eating of any other will be forbidden. Next issue: cleaning up those pesky baked bean stains.
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