Gotta Get Outa Bed 
& Get a Hammer & A Nail

“Pull yourself out of the Victoria’s Secret web page for a minute. I need your advice on something.”

“I’ll have you know that I’m doing legitimate research here” I reply with wounded dignity. “Senior management, in their wisdom, has given us Internet access as a tool and I’m going to use it, for legitimate research purposes only, of course.  

For example, the Fox site has a close-up picture of the 300 lb. tumor first seen on its tasteful new show “Guiness Book of World Records.”  And the hair and teeth are actually visible! 

I also saw the Mars Pathfinder land and saw the first pictures back to earth proving that Mars is pretty much like Nevada.

And finally, I learned that Steven Seagal, lethal movie star, was proclaimed to be a reincarnated lama and sacred vessel by the supreme head of the Hyingma School of Tibetan Buddhism. I learned this on the ‘net from Ian Scholes who imagines that if asked, ‘does a dog have Buddha nature?’ Seagal might reply: ‘Try and hit me. Go ahead. C'mon.’” You just can’t find this kind of information on TV!

“Yeah, well, I need advice on getting a promotion. I hear that they’'re going to be promoting lots of folks in the next several months to fill those six new law offices, and I’'d like to apply, but my first name isn’t Chris, and since the last two acting managing attorney jobs were given only to people named Chris, it looks like I’m out of the running!

“That’s where you’re wrong. You see, because of the Office’s commitment to diversity, all given names will at one time or another be used as the determining factor in promotions notwithstanding the popularity of the name, thus ensuring that even a Quentin or a Dweezel will one day be wielding the power to rate people! It’s an exciting time!  But it’s getting a bit warm in here. Let’s go down to the cool of P-1 with everyone else and see if we can figure out what the next new Senior Attorney Name Requirement will be.”

The problem is that it’s 105 degrees outside and the building’s cooling system, like my air conditioner at home can’t keep up. [Note: this part of the article was written during the August ‘97 heat wave - yep, you read that right - 1997, although by the time pampered Tower Bell kingpins and their cronies actually did some work and got this issue out, an entire year had passed. Think about it, when this was first written, no one had even heard of Monica Lewinski!  Sorry.] Isn’t it a shame that Washington can’t be known for being out front in something other than humidity and corruption?

Anyway, in order to cool down this weekend, I had to run down to my local movie theater and sit in there for the afternoon. Turns out that it was showing Shaq’s new move “Steel” [8/’97, remember?] over and over and over...” (involuntary shudder of disgust). Something HAS to be done. On top of that, my ineffective a/c is costing me a fortune to run.”

“Well,” I reply, “let’s take a look at the Frederick’s of Hollywood Home Page & see what it has to say about home air conditioning.”

As for the air conditioner itself, there are a few things you can do to save energy and to help it keep you keep a cooler in the summer.

• Clean or replace filters each month. Dirty filters will slow down the flow of air; the a/cworks just as hard, but cools the house much more slowly. With dirty filters you pay more and are less cool.
• Keep furniture, drapes, hot lazy dogs or cats, and other obstructions away from output and return air grills.
• Have the air conditioning inspected or serviced annually.
• Keep the thermostat set at a higher temperature. For every degree you raise your thermostat above 75 degrees, you can save about five percent on your air conditioning bill.
• Keep the area around the outside condensing unit clear of grass, ivy and other obstructions.  It must dissipate the heat that is being removed from the house, so it must have unobstructed air flow all around.

• Use fans to increase your comfort at higher thermostat settings. An oscillating or ceiling fan uses about as much energy as a light bulb. Using a fan to offset your need for cooler airconditioner settings will save money on your cooling bill. Remember, a fan don't actually cool the air; it just make you feel cooler. Turn it off if no one is in the room.
• Reduce solar heat gain by shading south and west facing windows during the summer, and close the blinds, shades or draperies in your home during the hottest part of the day.
• Humidity makes your home uncomfortable in hot weather. Save moisture-making jobs like mopping, dishwashing, laundry and showering for early morning or nighttime.
• Turn off unnecessary lights. Much of the energy from a light bulb is heat which can heat a room by several degrees.
• Make sure your attic is properly ventilated to relieve heat buildup caused by the sun. A hot attic can heat a ceiling which can in turn heat a room.
• Plant trees to help shade your house.
• Light colors on the outside of a house reflect the sun's rays, reducing the temperature inside.
• If your cooling bills are higher than your heating bills, consider white or light-colored roofshingles when you must replace your roof.
• Vent your clothes dryer to the outside. If you can, use a clothesline on sunny days to avoid adding heat to your house.
• Cook meals outside or prepare cold meals to avoid heating up your kitchen.
• Place heat-producing appliances such as lamps and TV's away from your thermostat to ensure that they do not cause the a/c to run unnecessarily.

• stapling thermal reflective fabric to the underside of the roof in the attic,
• insulating windows and other openings in the house (see: Tower Bell June, 1993, for a fascinating caulking article ), and by
• opening the highest and the lowest window in your house at night and in the morning when it is coolest outside will create a cool breeze through the house displacing the hotter air.

“Listen my friend, let me give you a tip. If you can'’t plagiarize a half a page of boring information & make it even longer and more boring, you’re never going to succeed as a senior attorney.”